Links

York University

UCAS

NUS

Student Loan Company

CAMRA

Student Life

Being a student is great!! Why?
  • You do no work
  • You get to drink copious amounts of beer
  • You don't get up until 3 in the afternoon
But what if you don't do English? Never fear, you can still be deathly dull if you want
Simply follow these simple steps to become an English student
  1. Buy a long black coat
  2. Wear a scarf
  3. Put on a pair of hornrimmed glasses
  4. Quote Ocasr Wilde in an affected RSA accent
  5. Roll your own needle thin cigarettes
  6. Be generally camp

Money

There is one disadvantage to student life - you never have any money. Here are some thrifty tips to maximise your spending power
  1. Get a student loan ASAP - You don't have to pay it off until you earn at least 80% of the national average wage, which if you do English, will never happen
  2. Buy drip-tray lager, such as Heineken - you won't notice the taste after a while and it's really cheap
  3. Beer is full of calories, thus reducing the amount of food you buy - supplement this with vodka and orange for your vitamin needs
  4. Don't buy any books - get the swot in the room next door to write your essays for you (don't try this if they do Social Policy - you might need at least one done by the end of the year)

Drugs

You will undoubtably encounter drugs at some point at University, unless they don't do any Arty subjects Here is a quick guide to the common ones, which you should avoid and drink more beer instead
  1. Cannabis - The good old weed. Most likely to be smoked by English students who wish to look cool, but without long term damage to their health. Ideal if you want to make friends with other potheads and think up schemes to save the world. Not recommended if you want anyone to understand a word you say.
  2. Speed - Amphetamines are useful if you want to dance like a maniac all night long, and be full of energy. Not a good option if you have poor bladder control or don't like waking up feeling like the world has ended
  3. Heroin - Leave this one to the professional junkies pissing their life away watching banal TV on Scottish council estates
  4. LSD - Hark back to your old school 'trips'. Just don't try to fly
Of course, there are some drugs which are quite safe, and in fact, and you are encouraged to use them
  • Coke - Only the stuff in the red cans
  • Caffeine - Vital if you are doing Computer Science
  • Alcohol - Obviously


Quality Web Pages by Speedy
� 1998

Disclaimer - Any harm you come to or any offence taken is caused by a lack of humour

All content copyright � 1998 Steve Gilroy